The Push and Pull: When Your Heart Says Yes, But Your Head Screams No

There's this person. And just typing that feels… significant. A little fluttery, a little nerve-wracking, a whole lot real. You know that feeling, right? The one where someone walks into the room and suddenly the air feels different? Yeah, that one. I like them. Really, truly like them. And that's where the beautiful, messy complication begins.

Because here's the thing: feelings are involved. Big, inconvenient, heart-stirring feelings. And I had made a promise to myself. A firm, resolute, never again kind of promise. I wouldn't allow myself to go there again. To that vulnerable, hopeful, potentially heartbreaking place.

So, what do you do when your heart starts to beat a rhythm your head vehemently disagrees with? You push. You create distance. You build up walls brick by painful brick. And it sucks. It absolutely, unequivocally sucks.

Every fiber of my being wants to lean in, to explore this connection, to see where it could go. But then the logical, albeit cynical, part of my brain kicks in. The voice that whispers (or sometimes shouts), "Remember what happened last time? Remember the disappointment? The way it felt to care so deeply and have it not be reciprocated?"

And that's the crux of it, isn't it? The gnawing certainty, the intuitive knowing that this person doesn't feel the same way. Maybe there are subtle cues, maybe it's just a gut feeling, but it's there, a heavy weight in the pit of my stomach.

So, what's the point? What's the point in allowing myself to fall, to open up, to become vulnerable, if the landing is just going to be a painful thud? Why even entertain the idea of a boyfriend, of that kind of intimate connection, if the odds seem stacked against you from the start?

It feels like a cruel paradox. The very thing my heart aches for – a loving, reciprocal relationship – feels like a dangerous path, one I've sworn to avoid. And the act of self-preservation, of pushing away someone I genuinely like, feels like a betrayal of my own desires.

I find myself caught in this exhausting push and pull. One moment I’m replaying their smile in my mind, the next I’m mentally drafting reasons why we wouldn’t work. It’s a constant battle between hope and fear, between what my heart wants and what my head deems safe.

Maybe I'm being overly cautious. Maybe I'm letting past experiences cloud my judgment. Maybe, just maybe, I'm wrong about their feelings. But the thought of being wrong, of allowing myself to hope and then having that hope dashed, feels almost unbearable.

So, for now, the walls stay up. The distance remains. It’s lonely, and it feels unnatural, like trying to hold my breath when all I want to do is exhale. But the fear of another heartbreak, another one-sided love story, feels even more suffocating.

Maybe one day I'll be brave enough to tear down these walls, to risk the fall. But right now, in this moment of uncertainty and unspoken feelings, self-preservation feels like the only option. And honestly? It kind of breaks my heart.